My sister passed away two days ago. It was just a little over a year since she was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. Weird how it seems like yesterday that she called to tell me.
I didn’t know I would cry this much, I guess you can’t run out of tears. I haven’t cried this much since my parents passed within six months of each other, nine years ago. You don’t realize the depths of your sorrow, deep into your gut, until the finality of a life is right there… She’s gone.
I had just finished teaching class, when my brother-in-law called me with the news. I felt so overcome with guilt. “I should have been there, I should have called her, I didn’t get to say goodbye, I didn’t get to tell her I loved her, I’m sorry, Please forgive me…. I was with grief, unable to speak, I hung up and collapsed in a pile of tears. I felt a hug from one of my teachers, comforting me with her own wisdom acquired from her father’s recent passing. She listened, I cried and when we finally let go, we were both dripping wet in tears and sweat.
My sister said from the beginning she wasn’t going to fight, that she didn’t have the energy, that she was too scared and too old. I did my best to convince her otherwise, even getting angry at one point but she was set. She said she had seen enough women her age go through treatment, be sick the entire time and end up dying anyway. She wanted to enjoy whatever time she had left.
I was so upset with her because I thought she was giving up too easy, it seemed selfish. I asked her, “What about your husband and your daughter? They need you…” I also thought to myself, “and what about me? I need you.” It was this same selfish type of thinking on my part that caused her to always take a backseat to life and I was the one trying to guilt her into it. I was wrong, so wrong… But this time was different. She stood her ground. Honestly I didn’t realize until now what a valiant and courageous decision it was.
My sister was a supermom who always put herself last. She took care of her kids and her kids friends. Later on she focused on her grand kids, all her friends and neighbors, really at the expense of herself.
Reality was, that she finally made a decision to put herself first on the day she decided she would not go through treatment. For the first time in a long time that she would focus on her own happiness. In the past year she did some things and visited some places that she really loved. And when her body finally gave up, she wasn’t scared anymore and she let go graciously and with dignity.
I really do know better than to think to know what is best for another person? Why would I think, I knew what was right for her? I regret not supporting her decision to live what time she had left on her own terms. It’s just the way I see the world… to never, ever give up, to keep going, to have faith.
The next morning I received a text from the teacher who comforted me. After lovingly listening to me yesterday as I beat myself up, she knew from her own experience it was the wrong road to go down.
“Karin I had a dream this morning that I wanted to share with you. I dreamed that my dad was alive and my mom was gone instead and that was more heartbreaking on so many levels. Sometimes we can focus on what we should have done to those who should have had more love who are gone, we forget to realize how much love was given to us by others who are still here. I realized instead of focusing on missing my dad and what I could have done, the answer was to spread more love to people who have helped me feel that love I wanted to share myself. I would feel infinitely more guilty if I do not reciprocate the love my mom has given me while she is still here. So please instead of feeling any guilt we must learn a lesson and let go, remember you have so much love in your life and the answer is just to love ten times fold, not feel sorry.”
She text me later to say she never has insightful dreams, she’s usually being chased or on an adventure somewhere and that she thought she dreamed it so she could tell me.
We are all here to help each other, only a few months ago I listened and comforted her using the wisdom I received from my parents passing.
In the depths of our sadness does come our evolution. There is a new angel in heaven and a wiser soul on earth. Thank you Linda for the lesson of love… Thank you for always caring for me and my family, for the phone calls, the simple gifts and simple life. Please know I love you so much and always will…
The lesson to learn is to love right now… ten times fold.
Karin xx
P.S. Thank you to everyone who called, messaged and spoke
to me with kindness and prayers. I am grateful for your friendship.
Epic Life Yogi 